My experience on the rock wall was more tumultuously oriented than my original expectations. A series of ups and downs came to light for me Monday night at the Doti-Struppa rock wall:

Up: Excitement to try something new, for the possibility to succeed physically, to push myself

Up: My excitement transforming into encouraging friends outside of class to join me on the wall

Up: Arriving at 7PM sharp to be the first in line to learn to climb

Up, up, up

Up: Literally learning the ropes (climbing and belay), being enticed by curiosity and anticipation

Up: Mastering the knots and being validated by the instructor— maybe I will be good at this? 

Up, up, up

“On Belay?” “Belay On”

“Climbing” “Climb On"

Up, up, up

Up: Making strides physically upward

Up: overcoming the first big projectile obstacle

Up: encouraging words from friends below

Up: extending my full body length to reach the next height, balance shaky

WOAH, halt

Down: fear

Down: physical orientation of my view

Down: doubt I can continue

"Step on the rock next to your left knee and put your full weight there!"

Up: physical movement upward

Up: satisfaction of conquering that moment

Up: Encouragement

Up: ego and motivation

Up, up, up

Up: continued movement upward

Up: larger and larger strides up

Up: Removing my lower foot from its secure location long enough to make strides longer than my body length

Up: taking risks, unknown

WOAH, I need to work on my upper body strength

Down: fear

Down: doubt in my own physical ability

Down: me, in orientation to my friends who were much higher than me on the wall

Down: ego

Down: motivation

Down: "Ok I want to come down now"

Down, down, down

Down: secure on the ground, known, safe

Down: me, in orientation to my friends, who had made it to the top of the wall

Down: ego and motivation

Down: my attitude about my friends' success

Down: my belittling justification to myself that I was on a harder path than them

Down, down, down

Up: my friends using the same justification, and encouraging me that we should come back and that I would definitely had made it if I was on the same trail as they

Up: my own consideration of coming back to the rock wall and conquering it with new found wisdom and experience

Up: setting goals to improve

Up: Making plans for the future

Upon reflection, I realize that my experience on the rock wall was more attached to my ego and self-worth than that of my physical placement. Though I recognize the self-centered nature of my motivation, I think Up is healthy. Focusing upward may mean energy spent on comparing, pursuits of external value, and frivolous or narcissistic ambitions, but in the process of focusing upward we are forced to delve into the unknown and push our limits which is essential to self improvement, something we can all find of value to our experience of life. 

I plan to go back to the rock wall and improve. My sights are set upward.