Adventure, Fear, and Security

I consider myself a thrill-seeker. An adrenaline junkie, if you will. I am obsessed with roller coasters (having ridden 137 different coasters around the world), I've gone skydiving, I've rock climbed, and I have quite the bucket list of thrilling things that I have yet to do. However, I was not always like this. In fact, I was absolutely terrified of heights. And the funny thing is, in some ways, I still am.

For this assignment, we were required to go climb the rock wall on campus. A simple task for some, yet demanding for others. For me, it was just a fun activity to distract me for a little while. There was not really any fear involved, no adrenaline, and yet, it was still thrilling. The thrill comes from partly what Chancellor Struppa was talking about - the experience of conquering something, of doing something physically challenging and overcoming that adversity. Because, in the long run, you want to feel good about yourself. That's partly what attracts me to other adrenaline-fueled activities.

Because I'm scared.

Because forcing myself to overcome fear, to do something that is dangerous and terrifying, is a high. It brings me up. Both from the physical release of dopamine/adrenaline, as well as the personal sense of satisfaction for conquering a fear. 

Scared of heights? Learn how to trapeze! Yes, this is me miserably failing on a trapeze. Yes, that is spandex. Yes, I'm kind of embarrassed. But I'm FACING THAT FEAR of embarrassment.  

The thing is, things like roller coasters, rock walls, and even skydiving no longer scare me. Sure, there is a sense of danger - if something went wrong, my life would instantly be on the line. But with all of those things, I have a sense of security.

I'm comfortable.

There have been roller coasters that I have ridden in order to relax. To just close my eyes and enjoy the movements. California Screamin' is a nostalgic and perfect example of that - I could ride it a million times, simply because it's fun and it's comfortable. I could fall asleep on that ride if I tried, and I love every second of it. That comfort comes from the built in "safety" of all of these activities - the roller coaster harness, the person holding your rope on the rock wall, the parachute...they all make me feel secure. My fear seems to be gone maybe partly because of facing it, but mostly because I have put all of my trust into these safety mechanisms, none of which are 100% functional.

Skydiving over a glacier. Highly recommend.

The fear might not be there anymore, but the adrenaline still is. I am comforted by the perceived safety, and yet all of these activities are a way to bring me closer to the possibility of death - something that Chancellor Struppa said fascinates him. And it fascinates me too; being that close to death is exhilarating, and you feel you have accomplished something by surviving. But that safety harness still exists, and that's the only reason I'm not scared of that close proximity to death.

I have tried to face my fears without those safety measures. The fear exists, and it is still quite strong. I climbed a mountain in New Zealand, stood out on the edge of the highest overhanging rock, and I was absolutely terrified. Why is it that now, when I am not that much closer to death than with any of the other thrilling activities, I am suddenly worried? I suddenly actually fear for my life? The thought that the unstoppable force of gravity has the ability to pull me down to my instant death with just one falter of my body.

The aforementioned mountain (with some lovely MS Paint arrows). Left to right: Tip of the mountain as seen from 3/4ths of the way up; Tip of the mountain up close; My hand on the tip of the mountain cause art and stuff.

The fear also exists when (and because) things are in my control. I am a klutz. A complete and utter klutz. On the hike on that mountain, I tripped and fell to my knees at least 10 times, especially coming down. So standing on top of that rock was terrifying because I knew that one klutzy move could be my instant demise.

And yet, I loved every second of it.

Struppa understood perfectly the mindset that I have with all of this. There is nothing more exhilarating, nothing that makes you feel more alive, than the feeling of imminent death. An interesting contrast, really. This desire to feel alive by confronting death has brought people to their actual deaths, as both the Chancellor and the readings told us. But those incidents don't stop us. In fact, they may even encourage us. It's that crazy, self-empowering death-seeking mentality that gives adrenaline junkies like me the feeling of life.

Though the rock wall was fairly easy for me, though the risk was not very high, I still loved it. I faced the danger, I overcame it, and I feel proud of myself after such an accomplishment. It is selfish, yes. But there are few things that people do that aren't selfish. So if it is selfish but it makes me happy, it makes me feel alive, then I am just going to keep on being selfish. I am rambling a bit at this point and possibly have strayed a bit from my initial topic and talked a bit too much, but my message is this: being "up" brings me up. It's as simple as that.