I didn't make it all the way up.
And its ok.

I had never climbed a rock wall before and of course lied when the girl instructor asked me if I had.
I said a long time ago. The whole ceremony to prepare me and instruct me to climb the wall only made it look more of a daily sport than a challenge. But nonetheless I was scared.
I believe that in this situations that our bodies are not accustomed to ( or even more muscles I hadn't used in years), certain fear rises through our spine. Even though you wear a harness and a security belt and having a girl who weights half your weight on the other rope, going up always rises the possibility of falling down. You might just die, your brain thinks.

I took a deep breath and said to myself: ' Come on Sal, she's kind of cute. You can do this'.  And so started climbing and it resulted fairly easy. I was so impressed with my lazy being and even a slinky male instructor said: 'He is a natural'. Oh, the disappointment was going to be strong in this one. I managed to make it more than half way through although my arms were starting to give up (Oh don't you do this to me). I reached two orange blocks in which I could grab with my hands and I just needed to raise one foot more so I could push myself and reach the uppermost black brick.

But I slipped. I was suspended by the rope in the air, looking above. (shit.)
I returned as fast as I could to the wall to give it a second chance. I grabbed the two bricks again and position myself to take a dive for it. This time I my fingertips touched the black brick but my body fell. I ended up looking up, suspended again.

That was the instant in which I realized what all the readings had being saying: why Tenzing Norgay senior and junior,  Jon Krakauer and the afghan women were climbing.  In that fleeting moment, looking down doesn't help as it doesn't give you any way out. You only see the fall calling for you. And neither does looking up. Above there is only the hope of a peak, the other unreachable call for respect, for a success within and without yourself.

So, in the end, I am left only looking the only way I can, like a horse's blinders, here, or better called, inside.
I inevitably search within myself for an understanding of the reason I am doing this. And doing it because of a class was not it because, if I wanted to, I could have easily lied about having climb the wall and that would be the end of it: I did it and it was fun. But I was suspended in the air. Maybe I was doing it to impress the girl instructor (as if she hadn't seen millions of guys do it), maybe to tell my friends once I was done or maybe to feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I was doing because I had to, because it called something in me.  And yes, it was a completely selfish act as I asked Chancellor Struppa of his climbing experience. It didn't benefit anybody. And I was ok with it. It didn't save any children from dying of hunger or saved animals from the cold. I understand that in our cosmovision of the world we need to give ourselves a purpose, like charities for cancer. But we are not all doctors or firemen: we do most things for ourselves. And I believe that is okay.  We do it all for ourselves and our selfishness, as Tenzing Junior says in his book Touching My Father's Soul: Obtaining 'Sonam' - merit - by saving a life is a great motivator, but compassionate behavior is also expressed through respect for one's own life." (188)

But I am doing it for the search itself.  To think about why am I doing all this things. Psychoanalyze oneself's decision when you are close to death. To realizes that the self absorption of going up for no purpose at all gives you a purpose within yourself. The greatest commitment you have to anybody, is with yourself, my mother always says.

So I tried again, and again, and again, and again. But my arms were far too tired. And I could not keep going. Not with hubris but with the respect in the platform for each step we take, as the sherpas believe. I respect the climb because I respect what it can teach me. And  it's okay because I learned about myself up there. I tried it for me and to admire myself because I admire the men or women brave enough to look at themselves from up above, from far away.

And to you Chancellor Struppa, I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable.

Sherpas in Nepal

The Mount Everest- the deepest search within.

Tenzing Norgay, the Sherpa mountaineer who climbed Mount Everest with Sir Edmund Hillary.