During
our discussion in class I really appreciated Struppa’s honesty in revealing why he
climbs. His hubris, his desire to prove
himself and be seen as one of the greats, is something so hard to admit to
others yet something so familiar to everyone in some realm of life. We are not always the ones motivating our own
actions, usually other people are involved, but that is something we don’t like
to admit for various reasons. We like
control, especially when it comes to our own lives, and the idea that we allow
others some control over the decisions we make can be upsetting at times
although it is true. Even if you are
pushing yourself to be the best you there is, it’s important to ask who else is
involved in the process and why exactly you are doing this.
High school lacrosse
As
a freshman I had been recruited to play on Chapman’s Women’s Lacrosse
Team. However, quitting lacrosse taught
me a lot about myself that I may have never learned if I had kept on playing
until I was made to hate what had brought me so much joy before.
This
weird pressure of always having to be the best, both self-induced and
externally placed upon me, ended up being the worst for me. So that is why I quit lacrosse last year:
although it may have been an amazing experience I also know that I would have
been insanely hard on myself and not actually enjoyed my time on the
field. Since I have quit playing sports
competitively, my relationship to fitness in general has felt much more
natural. I work out because I want to
feel good, not because I’m afraid that I’m not training hard enough for my
coach or my teammates. My personal
fitness has actually become personal for once.
In addition to this, I respect my own limits a lot more than I used
to because I'm able to recognize that sometimes quitting can be a completely valid option. Now that there isn’t as much
external pressure I’m left to really assess how I’m feeling and respond
appropriately.
Photo from Joshua Tree this past fall, we bouldered to a really high point in between some rock formations (and hey look I'm calm because there are some nice sturdy/massive rocks below me)
I
was a gymnast for six years, I’ve bouldered in Joshua Tree before and I hike
regularly. This being said, if you asked
me to stand on the top rung of a ladder I probably wouldn’t be able to do
it. I mean of course I could physically
do it, but mentally I would be very opposed.
Everyone has certain heights they can handle and certain heights they
cannot (unless you’re like Bear Grylls or someone). For me I need stability. If I’m super high up but I’m also able to
enjoy a wide surface area beneath my feet I could care less, but when that stability is taken away a fear of heights suddenly sets in. Maybe it isn’t a fear of heights, but rather a fear of falling? I feel like a fish out of water... like a
Haley not on the ground anymore… not good.
When climbing the rock wall this happened to me.
How uncomfortable I probably look when I'm up high without a stable surface beneath my feet
"Yeah, something doesn't feel right about this..."
The
wall sort of divides in half, the first half and then one tough spot where you
have to almost lean back to climb over a part that juts out and then the other
half that is above that. The first half
was cake, I was having a great time, Drew was belaying for me and we were
talking about Rihanna, what could have been better? But then that small jut approached and I
honestly was like, “How the hell???” Not
necessarily “how the hell do I do this?”, but rather, “how the hell do I do this
comfortably?” I’m kind of a small person
and I felt like the gap between the climbing holds my hands were on and the
climbing holds where they needed to be was fit for a longer person. At this point I looked down which wasn’t the
best idea. In previous years I would
have allowed the pressure of others to push me to ignore my own body and move
up the wall rather than taking time to actually listen to myself. Things have changed since then however, and
instead I thought to myself, this has been fun, nothing is really going to
happen whether I make it to the top or not and I’m feeling kind of
uncomfortable right now, so I think it’s time to go down.
In
retrospect I don’t feel bad or upset in any way about wanting to come down from
the wall. On the contrary, I actually
feel motivated and like I could most definitely make it up the wall with a few
more tries. I just knew that I didn’t
want to do it in that moment and I think that’s totally fine. I have found value in listening to limits if
it makes me feel better and letting go of pride since it is sort of a useless
thing. Reaching the top is not what
defines a good climb, but rather the actual climb itself. And for me, working to the top at my own pace
is what will make it that much more enjoyable once I am able to reach it
comfortably.
No comments:
Post a Comment